It is Possible
You think when you are sitting in your room doing sit ups and throwing out the food your mom gave you for lunch that day that you are trapped. You think this cycle of doom will never end. You think that this is the end, your life will never get better. You drop some weight and you get a second of relief, a second of pride. You think maybe all of this pain is worth it, maybe I'll be happier now that I've lost some weight. Weeks later you go from your regular series of sit ups to going to your basement and running a few miles. You drop more weight. Again, you have that second of relief. But besides that second of relief all you feel is pain. You feel weak, you feel frail, you feel deprived. You have not only lost weight but you have lost your confidence, your hope, your trust with others, and a functioning state of mind.
While what I just wrote may not be the same experience for everyone, (and you are still valid if it's not!) I have heard many stories of this same cycle. The cycle of pain, disgust within yourself, and just feeling raw.
I know how cliche this sounds and I know you have all heard it millions of times BUT, you can get unstuck from that cycle, you can be free. Recovery from your eating disorder isn’t a myth, it isn’t some made up fairyland that people create. Full recovery is possible.
Over the past few months I have experienced what it is like to be in a good, even great place in recovery. I have experienced so many recovery wins that I can’t even keep track of. Starting off with that I went to Florida for spring break and didn’t even bat an eye, or think twice about wearing a bikini, AND eating in one. I ate all the yummy foods while away and wore whatever the fuck I wanted and I felt great.
It’s crazy how much more confident I feel in my weight restored, recovering body then my smaller sicker body. If you were to have told me three years ago that I posted on instagram in a bikini (multiple times) in a bigger body, I would have laughed in your face.
Another big win I have experienced over the past few months is that I have been able to workout. The first time I had worked out in a while a few months back I was super sore, BUT instead of having that mindset of being happy I was sore because I knew that my body was changing, I was complaining. Though that may sound little, it was a big win for me. I was working out for enjoyment, not to alter my body.
So yes, recovery is possible and it is possible for you. Celebrate your small wins and of course your big ones too. Next month I will have been in recovery for 3 years, 1,095 days. Each one of those days has been a battle. But each one of those days the battle gets that much easier. Count each day as a win, a win against that beast in your head.
Thank you all for your endless support! Love you all!
Xoxo,
Alexa
