That Euphoric Feeling
I haven’t written here in a while. I am officially a second-semester freshman at UNH. If you would have told me that even six months ago I would probably have laughed in your face.
It’s really freakin crazy that last fall I was stuck in a treatment facility and now I am at college, living an independent and happy life.
When you are stuck in an eating disorder cycle, it seems impossible to get out. It feels like the world is going to end, it feels like you are a little kid trying to swim for the first time. It is truly a feeling that I have learned that I never want to feel again.
It’s genuinely crazy that I am even typing this next sentence but in 2 months I will have been in recovery for 3 whole years. I truly have trouble wrapping my mind around that. 3 years ago, I was miserable, I was keeping secrets from my family and friends. I was doing anything and everything in my power to become the smallest version of myself.
Looking back on these almost three years, I have learned a hell of a lot. I have not only learned that food is fuel and you can’t live without it. But I have also learned that you lose more than just weight when you don’t eat.
You lose valuable relationships. You get in fights with people that mean a lot to you. You lose independence. You lose trust of everyone around you. You lose hope. When I was sick, I had zero hope that anything would get better. I was stuck in that never-ending cycle of doom. You feel like you will never escape.
In recovery, you don’t just gain weight, you gain the feeling of hope, the energy to walk, and the energy to form relationships, you will gain your trust back from the people you love most. You gain freedom. You will gain independence.
I know that I can bable at you all day long about what you will gain in recovery, but I know you won’t really be listening. Back in the spring of 2020 if someone were to explain to me what I am trying to explain to you, I would not even be listening. I would be thinking, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
As I grow up and become more independent and mature I start to hate that phrase more and more, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” It is just so utterly wrong. I get it, the feeling of an empty stomach and seeing the number on the scale drop has this euphoric feel to it. But nothing feels more euphoric than going out to dinner with all of your best friends, laughing around the table, and having a genuinely good time. That euphoric feeling is far more rewarding than an empty stomach.
If you are stuck in the feeling that an empty stomach is the only way to make you feel better, I want you to try to have a genuine laugh with friends, your parents, or even your pets. That carefree feeling of having a genuinely good time with the people you love is just incomparable.
Trust me, I know recovery is hard. It is the hardest thing I have done in my life so far. By no means am I saying I am perfect, but I have those moments of euphoria with friends, and sometimes those moments are even surrounded by food.
Recovery is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so thankful for it every day, even during my hard moments. Please reach out if you need help, even when you feel you are not “sick enough,” if you think even for a second that there is a problem, there most likely is
I love you all so much!
Love,
Alexa Cohen
