World Mental Health Day
In honor of world mental health day (a few days late), I wanted to share a little bit about my story. Ever since I can remember I have struggled with OCD. Not a lot of you know that but it's true. I do not have the stereotypical keep everything clean OCD. I have always had rituals and weird things I've had to do to keep myself from going crazy. Whether it be stepping on specific corners of carpets or flipping the light switch 6 times, I have been struggling with it for quite some time. At first, I thought this was normal. I thought when I was reading a book and had to look at every single word for at least a second or else my family would die was normal. I thought my obsession of knocking on wood was just a phase and I would get over it. When my eating disorder started to get progressively worse spring of 2020 so did my OCD. I would be flipping light switches, counting everything I came across, and making sure I step on every single corner of the rug before I left the house. Because if I didn’t, bad things would happen. I would worry uncontrollably when I left the house because if I wasn’t home the house would set on fire.
You are probably reading this and either thinking I'm crazy or wow I can relate. Whatever party you are in I feel like it's necessary to tell my story. I do still struggle with OCD today, but with my supports, I have gotten through some challenging times and have officially made it to college, which I never thought I would be able to do. I still worry bad things will happen if I don’t do certain things. But I do know these feelings are irrational and I can get through them.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression since a young age as well. Both have swallowed me alive at some points and resulted in thoughts that are truly terrifying. Wishing I would not wake up in the morning on my birthday wish was something I used to do. I really do wish I never had done that because life is such a beautiful thing, and college has really shown me that. I am not even close to perfect, but some days I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m already so thankful for the people I have met here. They are constantly bringing me out of my shell.
I could blame myself all day that it is my fault I have an eating disorder but that is just not a healthy skill to use. Anorexia truly has to die. I don’t know how else to put it. It's literally a hell of a disease that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. It literally gets me so angry how much diet culture has ruined so many of our short, precious lives. My eating disorder took away way too much of my life and I’m done. I’m done with treatment, I’m done with the constant doctors appointments, I’m done with hating my body. Learning to accept my body the way it is has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I am not perfect, but I am so much better about accepting my body the way it is because your body is your home. You do not need to change your body to please anyone. I wanted to change my body for myself but truly, the more weight I lost the more I hated my body. I know that sounds so odd but it is genuinely true.
I want you all to know that you are loved by so many people, including me. I am here for you. Below are some hotlines just in case you need them. Love you all so much.
Xoxo,
lex
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988
NEDA Helpline - 1-800-931-2237
