A New Beginning

To a young girl fighting, 

This past week I have proved myself wrong so many times. 

Last week I moved into college. I am at the University of New Hampshire in Durham and I still can’t believe I am here. 

Exactly a year ago, to this date, I was in Colorado getting treatment for Anorexia. Never did I ever, first off, think that I would leave Colorado, but second off get into college and actually go. 

For the past 2, almost 3, years I had been stuck in my disorder and struggling to stay afloat. I was acting on urges, fighting with my parents, and losing relationships. 

Coming into college, I was (and am still) super anxious. Anxious about making friends, anxious about the classes, and mostly just anxious about leaving my parents who have cared for me for 18 years. So much responsibility is now held on me. The past 2 years of my recovery my parents have been a huge part of my life in terms of reminding me to eat and holding myself accountable. But they are gone. It's all up to me now. It's my choice, which is something I did not have in Colorado. I now have the choice to eat, the choice to go to class, the choice to make friends, the choice to leave college and never come back. That is the freedom you can’t have when you are in your disorder. So why hold onto it when you get all these amazing opportunities on the other side? 

Letting go of your disorder is way harder than it sounds. Letting go of the behaviors, the voice in your head, and for me the hardest part was letting go of your “sick body.” But honestly the pros of letting go are just far more superior to the cons. Freedom, not having to go to treatment, less doctors appointments, parents having trust in you, valuable relationships, and I could go on and on. 

Life is just so much more beautiful when you can let go of your ed. By no means am I saying I am “fully recovered,” of course I still have my moments. BUT, I can catch them and not turn them into a big deal. 

This past week has been filled with ups and downs but I would say more ups than downs. I have met so many amazing people and have been proving myself wrong so many times. I have been eating with friends with no regrets or guilt, going on spontaneous trips, and just enjoying the moment. I can feel the little Alexa in me coming out and that makes me so happy.  

Keep fighting so you can one day have these happy moments. It's all about the little joys in life. Enjoy them and don’t take them for granted. 

Much love, 

Alexa Cohen